thank u scooby doo. u taught me that monsters aren’t real and that the thing hiding in my closet is actually an unhinged museum curator draped in a white bedsheet

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If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills


The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.


I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey


Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right


Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not


date: why are u talking to me like i’m a news anchor

me: sorry i do it when i’m nervous. back to you, karen.


With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute