(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
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We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats