@50FirstTates

thank u scooby doo. u taught me that monsters aren’t real and that the thing hiding in my closet is actually an unhinged museum curator draped in a white bedsheet

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@OfficeofSteve

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

@Mickey_McCauley

The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.

@Kissee_Cheeks

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@DanMentos

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

@rebrafsim

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

@ch000ch

date: why are u talking to me like i’m a news anchor

me: sorry i do it when i’m nervous. back to you, karen.

@Mr_Kapowski

With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute