You Might Also Like
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house