@ShanaRose21

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

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@Alex_N_Chains

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

@scott_towel

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

@geekysteven

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

@cheers27402373

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@AnniemuMary

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

@TuSoonShakur

CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though

@weirdralph

The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.

@karencreets

Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling