@ShanaRose21

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

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@abbycohenwl

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

@AmishPornStar1

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

@Brenton_Rodgers

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

@PanicRestroom

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

@shanethevein

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

@shanethevein

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

@BigJDubz

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

@PollySueZen

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

@lordratsquirt

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

@Ristolable

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars