Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

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*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”


“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand


Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.


Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself


I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.


” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.


Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger


I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.


Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.


If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars