Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new