Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke