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[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water


My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus”


Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.


For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in


Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?


In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.


I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap


CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.



wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter

me: cool

wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?

me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money


Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?