@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

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@XplodingUnicorn

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

@Mr_Kapowski

My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus”

@NervousJr

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.

@pittdave13

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

@3sunzzz

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

@yonewt

In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.

@DaddyJew

I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap

@funflaps

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

@Tiny_Rickshaw

wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter

me: cool

wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?

me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money

@JimmerThatisAll

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?