Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew