Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
drew a comic about my origin story
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.