I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.