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[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
What kind of a cult is this?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon