My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
the only bumper sticker ill allow
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.