@DannyZuker

Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.

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@Chhapiness

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

@girlontapas

All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart…

I’m just happy I didn’t bite anyone today.

@SteveSuckington

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

@thesulk

“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”

@ItsAndyRyan

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

@iwearaonesie

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

@jameshamblin

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

@SteveDutzy

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

@redhotirish75

My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..