Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.
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I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.
Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Kids suck. Even God gave up after only having one.