@DannyZuker

Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.

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@BoomBoomBetty

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

@imteddybless

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

@dlicj

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

@Up2Long

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

@RdrJay47

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

@LizerReal

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

@dril

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now