Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.
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All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart…
I’m just happy I didn’t bite anyone today.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..