Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.