Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
waiting for halloween be like:
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct