Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

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Couples are the worst, followed closely by single people.


RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old


“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.


Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?


Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.

*puts away bowl and spoon


Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.


*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”


My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?


Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.


*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.