@JimmerThatisAll

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

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@mikhailsen1

If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.

@AudraEqualityMc

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ??

@squirrel74wkgn

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

@e4moji

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

@treydayway

I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.

@YoungFunE

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

@mydanimarie

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

@NoogsCorner

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

@aka_fatman

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.