Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*