Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.