@bigracksonly

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

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@FirecrackerKatt

The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.

@kibblesmith

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

@valentinebaby82

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

@murrman5

what’s on your back?
“a katana”
what?
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”

@SummerRay

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

@RuinMyWeek

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@donni

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

@chapel3929

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

@Reverend_Scott

I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”

@TheAlexNevil

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.