@bigracksonly

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

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@7_Cents

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

@GrantTanaka

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

@NotUrGumar

Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad

@LaraineBaker

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

@Aikiwomannc

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

@saltymermaident

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@robfee

Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.

@Darlainky

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.