Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
early stone age tool
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I identify as an antique shop.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Wait a minute…
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.