@HatfieldAnne

Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.

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@Brianhopecomedy

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

@BruceForce

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

@FaisalAdam_

I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

@Social_Mime

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

@HatfieldAnne

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

@underrateDad

Wrong hole, except its just me watching my 3 yr old try to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt…

@kwirkyKerri

Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.

@Cheeseboy22

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

@MollyERA

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*