On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.
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* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Wrong hole, except its just me watching my 3 yr old try to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt…
Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*