Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
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walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
🙂🐾
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”