Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
going to the ER y’all need anything
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.