Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
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Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator