@curlycomedy

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

@stevevsninjas

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

@robotrowboat

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

@NoticablyBacon

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

@Kauaibride

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

@DreamerDixie

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

@byronblurb

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

@Mulva74

I feel sorry for people that haven’t found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.