@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

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@thedadvocate01

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

@DrakeGatsby

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

@DomesticGoddss

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

@TheGladStork

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

@jamdugg

Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’