@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

@notmythirdrodeo

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

@SeanBlazed

Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They’re still gone and that was weird advice.

@aveuaskew

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

@LaceyNycole

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

@RidiculousSheri

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

@leshnevsky

Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!

@sarah1mc

I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.

@aRealLiveGhost

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra