Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits