Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They’re still gone and that was weird advice.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!
I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra