Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda


Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner


If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?


Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.


My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.


“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.


Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow


Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’