Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.


my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!


Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They’re still gone and that was weird advice.


Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.


Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-


Meterologist: But science

People: NO


“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*


Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!


I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.


anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra