@weinerdog4life

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

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@clichedout

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

@Darlainky

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

@nachosarah

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

@Darlainky

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

@roxiqt

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

@yerpalmildsauce

*ring ring*
*answers the burrito*
Hello? … I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you called my burrito instead of my phone idk how but you did.

@GrahamKritzer

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

@3sunzzz

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou