me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Well this was a highlight of my day
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
*answers the burrito*
Hello? … I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you called my burrito instead of my phone idk how but you did.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”