Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers


What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.


Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!


me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer

wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor


me: well doc, what is it?

doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer


20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys


Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.