Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer
wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor
me: well doc, what is it?
doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.