Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My therapist after every session
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
This guy’s not having it 😆
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
This was the best day of my life
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭