Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”