@SJKSalisbury

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

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@Adar79Angie

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

@LibyaLiberty

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

@ibid78

“THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?”
-YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC

@psybermonkey

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

@omgthatspunny

Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂

@Marlebean

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

@JennSlowpez

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

@mydanimarie

It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.