Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake