Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

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I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.


Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.


Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.


friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him


If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.


Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea


This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.


Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.


Coolest jobs:
1)Beer maker
2)Secretary of War
4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers