@Coy0teugly

Thanks a lot Apple, for calling 7 inches a mini.

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@kwirkyKerri

I’ll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won’t be listening. Because…cupcake.

@aotakeo

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

@scawn_

Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat

@djdarrellripley

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

@MelaynaLokosky

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

@HomeWithPeanut

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

@PearlsFromMyrna

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

@stevevsninjas

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

@panmidwest

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know