Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Just so funny
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?