Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.