thanks auntie mary
You Might Also Like
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs