Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.