@vapidaccount: Thanks autocorrect...clearly "I am fantasy" is a better answer than "fantastic" when asked how I'm doing...
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@GrantTanaka: cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP me: NEVER cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE me: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE cop: me: cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
@pixelatedboat: *reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
@CraigChamberlin: Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I'm wrong, and I tell her she's right.
@ShortSleeveSuit: WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there'll be more of them