Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?