Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…