Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Why font matters.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.