@jackiembouvier

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

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@HispanicIcon

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

@Brianhopecomedy

Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.

@WowYoureFunny

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!

@Reverend_Scott

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

@NourHadidi

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

@BangMyBongo

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

@BlairBraverman

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

@novicefather

My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.

Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”