Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.
Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.
The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.
Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”