Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
You Might Also Like
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.