ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.