[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
You Might Also Like
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
that lip filler tho
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.