Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
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My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.