“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
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An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February