Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
dutch is not a serious language
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead