Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.