Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
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Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.