Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
You Might Also Like
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.