The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
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Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
no cat here
🙅🏻
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.