Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
*bites zombie*
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.