Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
For the baby who has everything
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Just me and my debit card against the world
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.