Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Saw online –
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
hmmm
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
put ‘er there pardner!
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.