Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
So true for me
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Battery falling down a hole
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My dad.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I’ve had relationships like this