Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people