[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*squishes it with shoe*
Me: Not that one.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Me: Did I say that out loud?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Long, satanic walks on the beach.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us