Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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A double negative is a big no-no.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I am all good here, 😂😉
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.