Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago