@Tbone7219

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

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@AmishPornStar1

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

@KeetPotato

[airport]
“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
oh FFS

@PaperWash

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@RayInCincy

Oh white people,

is there anything you won’t try to fix with a 5K run/walk?

@GrantTanaka

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

@HFromTheNam

Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?

Me:-“Why”?

H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.

@corysnearowski

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position