Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.